


life is like a box of chocolated....time to get my point across.... have frens that blog and I think to myself if its just an in thingy or just evolution...so here I am.... putting my voice across.."holler!!!" if ya can hear me



DATE: January 1, 1999
TO: Any Suicidal Young Person
FROM: Tony Salvatore
RE: Being a Parent Left Behind
Just over two years ago, in 1996, my oldest son, Paul, completed suicide.
I hear from kids, teens, and young adults who have been suicidal. They say that my stuff lets them see what may have happened had they completed suicide. They feel that maybe if others thinking about suicide could see what happens to those who love them they might reconsider.
I'm going to tell you what it is like to "be left behind." Maybe it will stop you from doing something stupid. Where I'm at right now comes down to three little words: Loss, Anger, and Pain -- lots of each. This the eternal triangle of paternal grief. I live right in the middle and can't move out. It's a lousy neighborhood.
Loss is what happens to someone when you die. Paul's death left me incomplete. It tore something out of me and I will never be the same again. Loss isn't passive or arithmetic -- subtract one son. It's active, it grows, it's a "black hole" that pulls everything in. I'm not whole and the hole won't close. All loss is shit, suicide loss is the worst shit. Losing a kid to suicide is off the shit scale.
My anger came on when the shock wore off -- when the attitude of the police, other official types, the medical examiner, etc., hit home. (Don't make your family have those people in their face.) I got madder as I realized that my son's death didn't have to be. After I learned that those who could have prevented it didn't care came rage. My anger has stopped growing but it hasn't gotten any less intense.
My anger is also self-directed. I feel very responsible. I'm not angry at Paul, but I'll never forgive myself for missing his suffering. I'll never forgive those whom he told of his pain and his plan and who did nothing and who made damn sure that I knew it. Want your "friends" telling your folks that "we knew he was gonna do it." Want your father to think about hurting them every day?
And then there's pain. Pain comes on when loss starts boring into your soul. It gets worse as the inescapable reality of what happened sinks in. Then it becomes chronic. It still hurts, but in a different way. There are times when it still gets very bad. It's always there. It's something that I live with. Something that I don't need.
Dealing with pain has nothing to do with being strong -- nothing about this has made me better or stronger. It's totally trashed me. My memories hurt, my thoughts about my son's suffering hurt, the futility of his death hurts, seeing what it has done to my family, places that I associate with him hurt, interests that we shared hurt, seeing things he liked hurts, enjoying anything hurts, watching other men with their sons hurts, any family event hurts, holidays hurt, the anniversary of his death hurts, looking at anything that belonged to him hurts, and hearing about somebody else's kid doing it hurts too, a lot.
Sure, you know about a "world of hurt." But the hurting just spreads out after suicide. I don't know how your folks will feel if they lose you, but I know for sure that it won't be good. You think nobody cares? Think that they won't give a damn? Listen: It's not what you think of them or what you think that they think of you that matters. It's what they think of you. You may not feel that they care, but you could be, and probably are, very, very wrong.
Should you tell them? Yes, absolutely. It may be hard to do so, and your folks may not know how to react. Trust me, it is better to be told that your child is suicidal (or anything else!) than that your child has completed suicide. That is the single most horrible thing that anyone can ever hear. Don't put it off -- ask for help. Being suicidal means going down the tube. In a few hours, days, or weeks you may hurt so much and care so little about yourself that you can't do squat.
If you do it, all they'll ever do is ask "why?" and never, never, never get the answer. You take that with you even if you leave a note. And they'll play the "if only" game over and over and over again. It goes "what if we had done this" and "if only we'd done that" and "why didn't he do whatever." They'll come up with a million "could of's" and "should of's" but they'll always lose because they lost you.
Get some help N-O-W!!! That will drop your parents' odds of joining my sad company. Don't make them "suicide survivors." It freaking sucks! First, get help with being suicidal. Next, get help with what took you there. Then get help to keep you from ever going back. Do it!
Suicide is like that bunny on TV - "it goes on, and on, and on and just keeps going." Somebody said that those who complete suicide "leave their psychological skeletons in the survivors closets." One thing's for sure, suicide always leaves something messy, awful, hurtful, and unending behind. Suicide does nothing but screw things up for everybody forever.
All of this isn't about me. Its about you. Its to get you to look out for yourself. You don't have to die, but if you don't fight it you will crash. You don't decide to do it, you do it to end the pain. Suicide isn't a choice, but you can make choices before you lose the ability to do so. Choose to care about yourself right now. Don't do it. Nothing or nobody's worth it. Screw 'em! Live!
Tony
Springfield, PA
Postscript: What I wrote above reflects how I felt a few years after losing Paul. Many who read this for the first time may think that I still feel that way. I'm not "over it" or "past it" or "healed," but I am at a different place now. I have rebuilt my life around my loss. I haven't forgotten but I've channeled my energy into things that maybe help keep others from following my path or Paul's. Take care!
Copyright, Tony Salvatore, 1999-2005
Modified 10.11.05

Renal colic is a type of pain commonly caused by kidney stones.
The pain typically begins in the kidney area or below it and radiates through the flank until it reaches the bladder. The pain is colicky in nature, meaning that it comes on in spasmodic waves as opposed to being a steady continuous pain. It may come in two varieties: dull and acute; the acute variation is particularly unpleasant and has been described as one of the strongest pain sensations felt by humans.
Depending on the type and sizes of the kidney stones moving through the urinal tract the pain may be stronger in the renal or bladder area or equally strong in both.
Most small stones are passed spontaneously and only pain management is required. For this type of pain, strong Non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drugs (NSAID) such as Diclofenac provide better pain relief than opiates. Lying down on the non-aching side and applying a hot bottle or towel to the area affected may help. If the pain is not too intense, a more speedy release of the stones may be achieved by walking.
Larger stones may require intervention for their removal (see kidney stones).
Kidney stones, one of the most painful of the urologic disorders, are not a product of modern life. Scientists have found evidence of kidney stones in a 7,000-year-old Egyptian mummy.
Kidney Stones |
| SKANDA SHASHTI | ||||
|
| PROSTRATIONS and humble salutations to Lord Subramanya, the Supreme Being, who is the ruler of this universe, who is the indweller of our hearts, who is the second son of Lord Shiva, who is the beloved of Valli and Deivayanai, who bestows boons easily on His devotees, who is an embodiment of power, wisdom, love and bliss. |
| The mighty demon, Tarakasura, had been oppressing the celestials very much. He drove them out from heaven. All the gods then went to Brahma to appeal for help. |
| Brahma said to the gods : "O Devas! I cannot Destroy Taraka, as he has obtain My grace through severe penances. But let Me give you a suggestion. Get the help of Cupid, the god of love. Induce him to tempt Lord Shiva who remains absorbed in His Yoga Samadhi. Let Lord Shiva unite with Parvati. A powerful son, Lord Subramanya, will be born to them. This son will destroy the demon that harasses you." |
| Indra, the chief of the gods thereupon asked Cupid to go with his wife, Rati, and his companion Vasanta (the season of spring) to Mount Kailas, the abode of Shiva. Cupid carried out the instruction at once, for it was already springtime. Standing behind a tree, Cupid shot his arrow of passion towards Shiva whilst Parvati was placing some flowers in His hands. The moment their hands met, Shiva experienced a distracting feeling. He wondered what it was that disturbed His Yoga. He looked around and saw Cupid crouching behind the tree. |
| The Lord opened His "third eye", the inner eye of intuition, and Cupid was burnt to ashes by the fire that emanated from it. This is why the god of love is also called Ananga, which means "bodiless'. |
| After burning Cupid, the Lord ascertained by His Yogic vision that the birth of Lord Subramanya was absolutely necessary to destroy the powerful Taraka. Shiva's seed was thrown into fire which, unable to retain it, threw it into the Ganges which in turn threw it into a reed forest. This is where Lord Subramanya was born; and hence he is caned Saravanabhava - "born in a reed-forest". He became the leader of the celestial hosts and the destroyer of Taraka as Brahma had ordained. |
| Lord Subramanya is an incarnation of Lord Shiva. All incarnations are manifestations of the one Supreme Lord. Lord Subramanya and Lord Krishna are one. |



















printing, the address databases and updating the addressed and new card. Cant just send to every Tom Dick & Harry and Sarah Susan and Jane lol..










A reunion it was, the sharing of old memories with Bala rocking in the background was awesome. Com showed up with Lilian, nice to have her there even thought I am not held in high regard. Later on Com 2 related ladies showed up suddenly we were a full house. L showed later and joining the crowd but the list of uninvited unplanned people went on and on and on Beem, Kalai wow...everybody mixed well with everybody
Star of the Race