The "Dictionary"

The Oxford Dictionary's latest definition of the following words.

Divorce :
Future tense of marriage.
Cigarette:
A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool on the other.
Lecture:
An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through the minds of either.
Compromise:
The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
Tears :
The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power.
Dictionary :
A place where success comes before work.
Conference Room:
A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.
Classic:
A book which people praise, but do not read.
Smile :
A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Office:
A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Yawn:
The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
Etc:
A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Committee:
Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
Experience:
The name men give to their mistakes.
Atom Bomb:
An invention to end all inventions.
Philosopher:
A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
Diplomat :
A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
Opportunist :
A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.
Optimist:
A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet."
Miser :
A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
Father :
A banker provided by nature.
Criminal :
A guy no different from the rest....except that he got caught.
Politician :
One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.
Doctor:
A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.

And Finally

Boss:
Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early